Monday, April 17, 2006

Another Modest Proposal

I confess I have tired of fighting the Republican agenda. I am ready give up and give in. I am ready to admit I may be wrong. Wrong about "family value" matters. Wrong about abortion. Wrong about torture. Wrong about any number of issues.

To clarify, I am willing to meet Republicans half-way. And I am ready to write it into law. In fact, I will go the extra mile. I am willing to give it an up or down vote and have it written into the United States Constitution if that's what Republicans want! I am ready to "let go and let God", so to speak.

Before you write me off as a nut case or just another liberal wimp, let me explain!

Just in case you haven't been paying close attention, Republicans are very concerned about divorce. They are convinced that our "liberal" divorce laws are a threat to marriage. Now I do not believe that our divorce laws are a threat to my marriage, but I am willing to believe Republicans when they warn us that it will weaken their fidelity to their spouse.

Republicans are very vocal about their opposition to any form of abortion for any reason. Abortion equals murder. Doctors, women, and organizations involved in "family planning" (code words for abortion/murder providers) need to be dealt with and dealt with harshly.

Republicans are convinced that right-to-die issues should not be decided by those closest to the situation, but should be decided by government intervention. Republicans do not believe family members are competent; that judges have the legal knowledge; nor physicians the expertise to make those end-of-life decisions.

Republicans believe that individual voter fraud is one of the gravest threats to our Democracy. Individuals voting in precincts for which they are not registered are of far greater concern to them than any rigged, paperless trail balloting system. If Republicans believe this is true, then I must believe them.

Republicans believe that convicted felons should not be allowed to vote. Ever! Again! Okay then. I am trying to understand. I need to take them at their word.

And I can no longer ignore Republicans' dismay over gays and gay marriage. Personally, I love my husband and have convinced myself that, if gays are allowed to marry (each other) that it will not change my commitment to my husband, nor compromise my oath of fidelity to him. I am forced to admit, however, that I cannot convincingly vouch the same for my husband. Although he has repeatedly vowed he would not leave me for another man--or woman--if gays are allowed to marry, I cannot really know he is telling me the truth about this until it happens--or until there are laws on the books that will allow me to--literally-hold his feet to the fire when demanding an answer. Again, however, I need to give Republicans the benefit of the doubt and believe them when they tell me it will be a struggle for Republicans to adhere faithfully to their wedding vows.

Here, then, is my modest proposal: Democrats should quit fighting Republicans on these issues. Democrats should begin working with Republicans in a true spirit of bipartisanship to enact laws and constitutional amendments we can all live with.

I, Naniboujou, hereby pledge to support all efforts to enact any and all laws that will protect Republicans-from themselves.

I promise to support any laws that will prohibit divorce--for Republicans. This will be beneficial in two ways. First, it will immediately prevent Republicans from divorcing for any reasons they might be tempted to use as an excuse to divorce now. Secondly, it will preemptively stay the inevitable Republican stampede to the divorce courts should gay marriage ever become legal in all states.

I promise to lobby for all laws that will increase restrictions on abortions for any reason--for Republicans. If they would like a constitutional amendment to that effect, I will personally drive any Republican to their precinct of choice to cast a vote in favor of this amendment. Furthermore, I will actively lobby for federal and state laws to prohibit pharmacies from legally dispensing to Republicans any form of birth control, including condoms. I am told such availability only encourages Republicans to engage in sex not intended for procreation and, thus, needs to be discouraged at all costs.

On the positive side, I will tirelessly campaign for the passage of new laws that will lesson restrictions on torture--for Republicans. You can never really know what your Aunt Em is up to in Kansas unless she is forced, coerced, or tortured to answer why she was calling a Republican at 7 AM, the morning of 9/11.

I will press for laws to increase penalties for individuals guilty of voter fraud. I am fully prepared to propose these laws be enforced retroactively. I will make it my personal mission to picket Ann Coulter's (legal) residence until justice is done and Ms. Coulter is put away for life and denounced as the felon she is. I pledge to be on Ann Coulter's case 24/7/365. I will be like a duck on a june bug. I will be what Ken Starr was to Bill Clinton. I will be Ann's constant companion like Jeff Gannon was to.... Whoops! Let's not go there.

I further pledge to support any and all laws that will once and for all ban pulling the plug on any Republican for any reason at any time--well, save for treasonous acts like voter fraud for which the perpetrator should be hung at dawn--after being tortured, of course.


At 5:29 PM, Blogger SisterAct said...

This idea is pure genius!

I’ll join you in your pledge and add another provision. I will push for a law allowing Republicans to declare war whenever it suits them, provided they declare war only on each other and do their own fighting. No forcing others to fight the wars they have so casually declared. I realize this doesn’t protect Republicans from themselves, which was your original intention. However, perhaps the constraints incorporated into the law will cause them to declare war far less often than they currently are wont to do, which would certainly go a long way toward achieving your goal.


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